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Own writings

Of my Gratefulness...

I knew a man once... he built himself a little shelter in the garden outside his house, and stayed there, in 10 years, whilst his wife and kids lived in the house. He said he felt he had to do it in that way...

They had 2 boys together. But it didn’t last long after marriage before he knew it had been a wrong thing to do. When I asked him why he had married her at all, he sad he actually didn’t know. They had spent a lot of time together. After a while she came to his flat also when he was not home. He thought it was bad that she had to stay outside freezing, so he gave her a key. And after that she was there almost the whole time. One day she suddenly said; can’t we just get married? And he had said ok… He knew he had thought that he probably should be happy someone wanted to; as he thought he was not the most handsome and wanted man, and that love, as he had heard about it, probably was not to find.

To make something that seemed as an ok solution out of the defaulted marriage, he and his wife agree somehow that they should only continue to live together until the boys grew up, and that they shouldn’t tell anyone about how things really were between them. To cope with this situation he after a time found him self more jobs, at the end he had 3 jobs, and almost no free time. He built that shelter in the garden, as he couldn’t stand to be inside with his wife even for the few hours he had off work. Only when the kids were there he spent some time inside. He often slept in the car as well, when it was maybe only 1 or 2 hours between the jobs.

He found himself in a situation he couldn’t come out of, as he felt it was his duty to be close to his kids, and his wife needed the money. He started to die inside he said. Nothing was important anymore. He just lived in a black hole, doing what he was supposed to do, but with no joy or happiness. He never bothered with another woman. His wife said that it would be wrong of him, because then people would start to think “something was bad between them”. And so he felt that as long he lived near by his wife it was bad of him to involve with someone else, and not respectful to her. So he didn’t. It wasn’t anyone either, he said, who interested him enough to make him start seeing new ways. Everyone around them thought all was fine, and no one got to know how it really was, as she wanted it that way. It was a hopeless situation, made of a strange believe that he had to take the responsibility for everything, and that he had once got himself into this commitment that he couldn’t come out of. A thought about somehow making up for his own stupidity and mistakes. But he also felt it hard to live in a lie, as he needed honesty.

One day, when the youngest was 15 his wife suddenly said she wanted to separate, and it showed that she had involved with a young boy, who he himself thought only was a friend of his oldest son. When she claimed the separation, he mostly felt relieve. He first written the house over to her, then he signed the separation papers. He left in the car, with his small, private stuff inside it, and with only a few cents in his wallet, heading for a new place to settle down.

He managed to find a flat and get a new loan on it. And there he was, suddenly, in this new situation. He told me that after a while he felt that there was really nothing left. He had used his life to do what was expected of him, his boys had grown up, and his ex-wife lived with another one, in the house she now owned. He had done what was expected to do he thought .But inside he felt dead already... since he for so many years had put his feelings and needs away to cope with the situation, and he didn’t see any reason to become older. He said to his mother that he didn’t want to become 45 years old. He saw it as he had what was "necessary" ... the freedom, a place to stay... but it was nothing else there. And he didn’t know what was missing, as he couldn’t see it. If this is all, he thought, why shall I stay here?

He almost died that night he become 45. It was very critical, and he understood he was on his way to die. It happened suddenly. But someone found him, and got him to hospital. They found it was something wrong with his lungs. It was critical for several weeks, but then he overcame it, and after a couple of months he get out of the hospital. I met him 3 months later... During this period I became separated myself , and after knowing each other for 7 months we were no longer only friends. The change was suddenly for me... I had not expected it. But then again, I am grateful it happened. We got 3 months together as a couple before he suddenly died... His heart just stopped.
The last text message he sent me only few hours before he died, said; “ I am thinking of you. I miss you. And I Love you Indescribable. You made me see the light again.” - Then he was gone.

Regarding his marriage he said to me that he would never tell anyone to do what he had done. It was completely wrong; to deny himself to start again, to crucify himself because of making one mistake – to marry someone out of the wrong reason. And instead do as the wife wanted him to, to make it more convenient for herself. He thought he owed her that. The whole him faded away. This was the difference between existence and Life. And he went down the wrong road. He said to me that to get away was the only right thing to do. He could have done it many years before. To take the step, to take the bad stuff that would come up, and then be finished with it. He was also surtain it would have been better for the kids as well, as they must have felt the cold between him and his wife as more difficult than if he was physical more distant from them. He said that also out of this I had done the only right thing. To take the step out of my marriage, and not wait any longer, as I really had waited long enough. ” What ever you do in your life, he said; don’t put away what you urge to do for the fear of making fuss. The fuss will take an end at some point, and it’s anyhow better with the movement in the fuss than with the black whole. In there nothing happens…. You only die – slowly – from inside... and freeze into ice…”

In the funeral I was sitting on the first row, between his two sons, who I never had met before. We hold each others hands. And the only thing I could feel was the power of how much he loved me. It was amazing… It was the most honest feeling I had ever received, and both the sadness and the strength in that man was beauty. I couldn’t anything else than be thankful to the life who gave me the opportunity to walk for a while with him.
Though it was short, it was everything.

With my deepest gratefulness...

-own writings

© AriZonaMoon 2011